Shiny Happy People

Now isn’t this the most diverse group of people you have ever seen? This image is contained in my company’s yearly compliance training module. They do that whole spiel about how they won’t discriminate based on age, sex, religious affiliation, sexual orientation, race, etc. etc. They covered everyfuckingthing in one picture!

My personal favorite it the old dude in the front. And can you tell which one is the gay guy? Why are they all holding up their fists and smiling? The more I look at it, the more creeped out I get. Happy faces, angry hands…’cept gay guy, he is all happy jazz hands. You go gurrrrl!

Only at Wal-Mart

I am not a statistician, but I would bet my ass that America is the fattest country in the world. What is more American than Wal-Mart? Put those two things together, and what do you get?

Knowing its target audience, Wal-Mart has made sure they are accomodating as possible…

Now, I should have had someone sit in the damn thing for scale purposes because from seeing a picture of it, you just don’t get the awestruck feeling I had upon seeing such a thing. Let me just tell you, this is the biggest fucking wheelchair I have ever seen. I am not kidding. This thing was massive!

A little more telling…

Woot! Rest assured 749 pound people, even you can shop at Wal-Mart! I am sure you have to special order shit like this but Wal-Mart has made sure that your 749 pound ass will have a place to sit when you are shopping all American-like. Good luck finding a sucker to push you though!

I heart America!

Evil, Like the Devil

Yes, this is my dog.

“Oh, hai guise. I can has dinner with you?”

The picture is kind of crappy so you don’t really see how cute and cuddly he can be. He is a chihauhau. He isn’t one of those little shaky scared ones either. He totally has ‘little dog syndrome’. It is akin to ‘little man syndrome’, just in dog form. He makes up for his small stature by scaring the shit out of little kids and making them pee their pants. (true story)

Go ahead, call him a ‘naughty dog’. This is what happens…

Yep. He will hurt you…

The Cry is a Lie

Sometimes Dane Cook is so contrived but a total guilty pleasure.

The act of crying has been defined as “a complex secretomotor phenomenon characterized by the shedding of tears from the lacrimal apparatus, without any irritation of the ocular structures.” No other animals are thought to produce tears in response to emotional states.

Tears produced during emotional crying have a chemical composition which differs from other types of tear. They contain significantly greater quantities of hormones prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormone, Leu-enkephalin and elements potassium and manganese. William H. Frey II, a biochemist at the University of Minnesota, proposed that people feel better after crying due to the elimination of hormones associated with stress, specifically adrenocorticotropic hormone.

Pretty scientific hey? I love the Wikipedia. I am not a crier, never have been, so I have been researching the function of crying. I looked at a lot of stories written about crying and most of them were centered upon crying as – “nonverbal communication in order to elicit helping behavior from others.” That is like a total stupid girl thing to do.

So I read all that scientific shit, watched the Dane Cook, (which is totally scientific btw) I read lots and lots of stories and came to the question, a hypothesis if you will…Would crying make me feel better?

It took me a long time to get to the point of even feeling like crying. There are times in my life that I think it would have been really appropriate for me to cry. Let’s see if I regret that.

Since things have been just about as fucky as they can be for me lately, crying was easier than I thought. Fail life ftw! I started by crying in safe places where no one else was. In the shower or in the car to and from work. I cried a few good times. Dane Cook tells the truth man. (I know you didn’t watch it)

So, scientifically, crying made me feel better like 100% of the time.
Fuck really?
Fuck really. The best part? It just happens now. When I feel sad, I cry. Are you fucking kidding me? In places that I don’t want it to come out too. Like in line at the grocery store or FUCKING HELLO! At work! I haaate girls that cry at work. Srsly, this has to stop. Christ, I let another person know that I was crying. Wha? It’s madness.

There was this episode of Friends… (and I purposely put my Friends reference at the end of the post so that you could move on from here if you don’t give two shits about Friends) So this episode of Friends where Chandler and Monica have lots of fights because Chandler cannot cry. In the end, he does learn to cry but then wont stfu and turns into a little bitch cry baby. /cry

That’s me! Ugh!

Sometimes crying saves people.

Reliant K

I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

Oh For Fuck’s Sake!

Forever and a day ago, I signed up at Plenty of Fish. For those of you that don’t know what it is, it is where all the people go to find love that don’t want to pay for other dating sites like eHarmony and Match.com. The cheap ass bastard site if you will. At first I liked it and it was producing messages from all kinds of guys on a daily basis.

My profile is simple..I like World of Warcraft and I am looking for a geek that can spell. How hard is that right? Let me tell you, WoW guys over the age of 30, not the catchiest males on the planet. I gave up on Plenty of Fish after realizing that the general population can’t spell or string sentences together. Actually, it was after Mr. Polyamorous Midwest messaged me and asked me to be the third person in his loving and open tri-pod of a relationship. Mmmm, no.
Thanks, but your girl’s hair is too big and crispy. I could never get into her.

So I ditched Plenty of Fish but didn’t cancel my account. If you don’t log in regularly, you fall down the list of prioritization in search results until you are more or less the bottom of the barrel. That should be a flag there. If you are officially the bottom of the barrel and someone has scraped it and sent you a message, RUN THE FUCK AWAY!

So, in preface, I am sorry sad WoW guy. You are just too terribad to be good. I must blog about you. I do feel a tiny bit bad because you are a real person but on the other hand, you put yourself out there so ‘fair game’ I say.

Just take a moment.

Soak it in.

Okay. It isn’t even that the guy is big. I have no bias against people of size. I like a squishy guy. I AM biased against gold chains and shirts with predatorial animals on them. Rawr! Yes, that is a fucking tiger!

His profile kills me. I will give him his props for spelling and punctuation but wall of text much? Omg, I know more about him than I do my own children.

Highlights anyone?
First of all, in the section where it asks for your profession, he actually put:
Profession – Leatherworking/Skinning/Tailoring
All this says to me is that you are UNEMPLOYED!! (for those that aren’t WoW savvy, those are his INGAME professions)

I work full time getting paid to keep my mom out of a nursing home.
I don’t even know what this means! Wtf? Does that mean that he steals his aging mother’s Social Security checks and keeps her in the basement because if she were in a nursing home, they would steal her checks? *coughunemployed*

I own my own trailer and live in a small town but I prefer the country.
Gasp! His own trailer!! No seriously, you should save that gem for when you bring the ladies home to meet your mom. Trailers are so hawt, girl’s panties just fall off when they see them. Promise.

My debts are paid off except for a student loan. I have an associate’s in Computer Networking but have never used my degree in a professional situation.
You know he went to ITT Technical College. They trick you with those snazzy commercials. They only run those commercials at certain times of the day when they know that housewives or unemployed WoW guys are feeling bad about themselves.

I dont often listen to music but when I do it is usually Adult Top 40 or Contemp Christian.
Why? Why? Why is it Adult Top 40 or Contemporary Christian music? Why? If you don’t listen to music often but choose this when you do, just don’t listen to music at all. Maybe he needs to hook up with someone to save him from his taste in music.

Some things I really don’t like are beans (except for peas, green beans, or refried beands), having to wear wet clothes all day (I worked as a surveyor and for 1 1/2 years I came home soaked), a person that complains all the time, loud rap music, watching sports on TV (maybe basketball or football), eating raw onions (cept in salad).
I don’t understand this wishy washy bullshit. You hate beans but you like refried beans, you don’t like sports on TV but basketball and football are okay (those are sports!), you hate raw onions but in salads they are okay. Please, choose a side. He does this a lot…
I can be lazy and stubborn but then again I can be industrious and compliant.
Gah! Stop! Choose!

I can see that his specialness would be lost on someone like me so I haven’t replied to his messages. Best of luck to you sad WoW guy. I am sorry that you picked me to message. I am just mean and broody, I had to make fun of you.

**Side note – Jesus H. Christ…Looking at the message and profile of Mr. Suave WoW bumped me back up to the top of the search results. So now I have to make fun of all them! Who has time for that? Buh bye officially Plenty of Fish.

Feeling Like Chasing Cars

I love writing things that only mean something to me. I talked to not one, but two boys today that made me feel like Chasing Cars.

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They’re not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Vinegar = Win

Vinegar, vinegar, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

•You are the primary ingredient in yellow mustard and frankly mustard rocks my world.
•You pal up with oil and bam, wicked dressing!
•Salt and vinegar chips. Need I say more?
•You make it possible for uncreative 5th graders to not look like assholes in the science fair with your oozing volcanic magic.
•You allow me to enjoy the outdoors through clean windows, from the comfort of inside, as it should be.
•You bravely cleanse the inner walls of some of the grossest vaginae the world has ever known. Extra props to you on that one vinegar. Brave, very brave.
•Although I know that you are in a super secret partnership with the Paas Easter Egg dye company to rule the free world, I still have to give you a nod for making it possible for us to dye eggs for the zombie Jesus. Really, I could mix that little dye tablet with water and call it good but no, you and Paas have something up your sleeves because you can’t!! No vinegar, no dye! Well played!
•Most importantly vinegar, you pickle things. You make it possible for me to eat jalapenos on my nachos. Who eats fresh jalapenos? No one, that’s who. You take an ordinarily way too hot piece of shit pepper and make it not only edible, but craveable. How do you do this voodoo vinegar??

You play well with others, you make children happy, you keep things clean and ship shape, and you turn otherwise nasty food into magic. I always said that I would never get married again but for you vinegar…well, never say never.

Kleiner Hitler

I read lots of blogs. My favorite? Intrusive celebrity gossip blogs. I am not ashamed.

One in particular is dedicated to the offspring of celebrities. (No names, I am not plugging anyone, so suck me. I will gladly steal their pictures though) From time to time, bloggerette will feature pictures of European Royal spawn on her site.

Why does it feel like Klaus von Evil is staring into my soul? Mark my words, this pasty little demon will be rocking a dictatorship in 2020. I already have bumper stickers made.

I find it totally hilarious that my country has become such a melting pot that reeeeally white kids scare the shit out of me.

Seriously…stop it Klaus. Your eye beams are draining my life force.

**Note: These are totally Dutch Royals and not German. They are just too perfectly Aryan NOT to compare them to Germans.

Fuck you, Thank you, I love you all

My kidneys are trying to eat me alive. They hate me.
My friends are all being douchebags.
Emo time.
But then…I went outside…

All better.